Fork you

Good day all! Today I would like to talk about something that’s very near and dear to my heart. My niece. She’s a year and a half old, and a real treasure. Beautiful by any meaning of the word, of course I’m biased because she’s my niece, but whatever, my opinion still stands. =P

I would love to tell you all about the wonderfully cute little baby things she does, but that’s not really what this is about. Despite being wonderful and cute she also is incredibly evil. Yep, I said that. I firmly believe she may be evil incarnate, wrapped up in cute baby so that no one will know until it’s too late.

I first noticed this when I was at her house one day enjoying the company of her parents. I do enjoy teasing her, it is rather funny to see an mildly annoyed baby. However this particular day she went and found a fork. She just sat there with her fork, giving me the evil baby death glare from hell. O_O I’m not easily shaken up, but I was quite concerned for my health at that point.

Since then it has become apparent that she is a very mild mannered and well behaved little girl. But god help you if you do anything to piss her off. She doesn’t cry, or scream or do normal baby things when she’s upset. She gives you that look, the kind that could freeze your blood in your veins. And she most likely believes that’s what she’s doing. I fully expect one day to have my head implode from one of those looks.

I’m sure she’ll grow up to be a strong, smart and beautiful woman, and I intend to be around to see that. So I won’t be spending the night at her house any time soon, lest I wake up with a fork poised to strike above my head.

I love her to death.

I just hope she won’t return the favour.

Literally.

Peace.

P.S. Also my friend Shogun’s blog is now live, it’s bloody fantastic and you should go check it out!

Take that door…

So… it has been suggested that I post more about the ‘me quitting smoking’ thing. So here goes.

First off; To those of you out there that still enjoy as many cigarettes as you want, whenever you want… F*CK YOU! May you perish slowly in the delicious cloud of toxic nicotine that you have created. >:(

Ok, so now that’s out of the way.

It all started two days before Halloween. I had ran out of cigarettes and figured the most logical option was to just not smoke them anymore. That worked for about 5 hours. In that time I grew more and more sullen and was rather enjoying the entertaining murder methods that were popping into my head. About the time when me holding a pair of scissors became just a little too frightening my friend quickly drove me out to get more cigarettes. That was attempt one. From there I decided that I would like to quit. Not because of any profound understanding about the health benefits, but because I really could use the extra money. I at the time was spending $100 or more a month on cigarettes and liked the thought of spending that money on more important things; like food, or cosmetics… or alcohol.

Over the next few months I entertained the idea of quitting, and then finally decided that I would actually do it. Now for those of you who may be attempting to quit, or are thinking about it in the future you may wish to pay close attention to this next part. Always have a clear plan. That means do your research, know what you’re getting into and also, make sure you set yourself reasonable goals. I would like to point out that I didn’t do any of these things. My plan consisted of the following; go from smoking a pack a day to not smoking anything at all for three days. Then after the three days, in order to not go completely insane, occasionally smoke nicotine free cigars. Not a horrible plan in theory. But writing it down it does seem a bit lofty. And unreasonable. Which it was. Yay hindsight.

I stopped smoking at 10:30pm on Thursday night (March 26th 2009). That last cigarette I had that night reduced me to tears, quite literally. The thought of giving something up forever was almost unbearable at that moment. I ended up crying myself to sleep after many, many hours. The next morning was far worse. I woke up fairly early, which was not the plan, I had hoped to sleep for a while to take the edge off. It figures. I got up and did my morning routine, which includes making a pot of coffee, checking my email etc. It’s a sort of ritual for me. Make coffee, drink said coffee and light a cigarette. And then it hit me. No more cigarettes. I tried really hard to just not think about it, do other things. So I went about my day all the while getting angrier and angrier. It’s odd that an addiction can actually make you angry to the point where you pretty much hate everything and everyone. But there it was. I went to my brother’s house and gave him the few packs of cigarettes I had left (that was really hard, it was like saying goodbye forever to one of your best friends). Fortunately after that I actually had to go and do something productive, inside a non-smoking building. I spent up until 5ish doing volunteer work, which kept my mind off of everything. But that whole time I was angry, and nothing was funny or amusing or even entertaining. Everything pissed me off.

By the time Shogun and I got home that evening I was fit to be tied. I didn’t want to eat, or drink coffee or sit or stand or lie down. I didn’t want to do anything. I felt consumed by an overwhelming need to smoke a goddamned cigarette. It was actually beginning to physically hurt, and the itchies… oh god. I spent the next few hours shaking and crying wanting nothing more than to stab people, or myself in an effort to make the horrible feelings go away. There was nothing but that desire to smoke. The world was void of all else, forming coherent thoughts was ridiculously difficult, and in effect it made conversation nearly impossible. I finally got up from the couch and stood in front of the bathroom door, I’m not too sure what I was doing, or what I meant to do, but I just stood there and cried. Shogun came over and hugged me, god bless him for being so supportive and comforting, however as he did so I was suddenly filled with a seething primal rage and all I saw was red. My fist came up and at the last second I decided not to hit him. The bathroom door was not so lucky. Shogun decided that perhaps it would be better if I had a nap and moved me far away from the door I had just assaulted. He sat me down on the bed and told me to just go to sleep for a while and I would feel a bit better. Then it came again; that horrible all consuming desire to destroy something… anything. And the headboard took a nasty beating. Thank god I at least had the presence of mind not to beat on the one person that was trying to help me through it at the time.

“Ok, so how about we move you back to the couch then…”

And then there was more couch. A little more than 24 hours after I had begun this masochistic endeavor we went to the store and bought the nicotine-free cigars I had planned on purchasing 2 days down the road. Sadly in my very aggravated and near caveman-like state of mind I asked for the wrong ones. The ones I bought that night did in fact have nicotine in them. Not a lot, but enough to negate my then current plan. I did not know that until the following evening however.

Even with the cigars I still had the most horrible time of it. I only smoked a few puffs of a cigar every so often, I ended up having 8 in a day or so. There was less hitting of things. I did unfortunately bust up my hand a bit and now have a scar because of it. :’(

I do not consider this a failure mind you. I accomplished something that was quite monumental. I did quit smoking for 24 hours. Successfully. I am quite proud of that. Since then I have a new approach (thanks to the insight and research of Shogun), I have cut down considerably, and will continue to do so until such time as I decide to completely stop again. Hopefully the next time will go better, and there will be less violence.

Violence hurts me.

Peace.

8 Days a Week

Well hello there all. Seems I’ve been procrastinating… yet again.

/sigh

Well what have I been up to? Recently (recently being this Saturday just past) I was in a play. A murder mystery dinner theatre actually. I played Rose the ‘Saloon Gal’. It was set in the 1800’s at the ‘Sidewinder Saloon’. I was genuinely terrified (I get horrible stage fright). But about 3 lines in that all just melted away and I had a blast. It was so much damned fun! I am quite sad that it’s over now, and am very much looking forward to the next opportunity that comes along for me to participate in the theatre world.

So as per my most recent post I suppose I should update about the whole quitting smoking thing. Well I gave it a go, I lasted a whole 24 hours without any nicotine. It was horrible. I busted my hand up a bit… hitting inanimate objects seemed like the logical approach at the time. I am currently still smoking, however am now down to one quarter of what I used to smoke. About 7ish cigarettes a day. The plan is to keep cutting down until quitting happens semi-naturally. Hopefully with less frustration and violence. O_o

I’ve been taking a much greater interest in my health as of late, I’ve lost a fair amount of weight, and more importantly actually feel healthier. I’ve been going for quite long walks nearly every day, between 6000 and 12000 steps per walk.

Oh yes, and the front of my hair is now blonde. It was red for quite some time, however over the past few months I’ve noticed that a ridiculously large amount of people now do the same thing. So of course I had to change it. I am eventually going to have white hair in the front, which will be pretty kick ass. (Think ‘Rogue’ from X-men) And if that doesn’t turn out well there is always green. Never dyed my hair green before.

The Belegarth season has started up again here. However since it has I have not been to the field, the play kept me pretty busy. Now that it’s over I intend to go start boffing again. Should be grand.

And my newest obsession; Orpheus. Otherwise known as Misery; The Saddening. One of the best role playing games I’ve ever had the privilege to participate in. (I would like to point out to those of you who may have read the previous version of that comment that I felt it was necessary to change it to suit my new sense of enlightenment.) It’s set in modern times (2007), under the premise that cryogenics has been perfected and what’s more was the catalyst in the discovery of ‘projection’. So ghosts are real, and my character – Helen Collins – is one. Or at least can be one. With my two companions; Axel F. Handlebra and Callen Descale we make up the crucible (group) ‘FireFly’. We’re pretty spiffy detectives/ghosts/wet works/currently fugitives that are in the midst of an enormous battle between humans and the nasty type ghosts; Spectres. It’s bloody fantastic, and a thrilling tale. If you ever get the chance to play it, you definitely should.

Well I believe that sums up the last month or so.

Ah yes, one last thing. I have perfected my chicken and pineapple curry. Yay! So now I have to move on to different foods.

And a quote from Orpheus;

“We’ve solved Religion!” – Helen Collins

Peace.

The End of a Chapter

Well hello all. Nice to see you here. Sorry to have kept you waiting for so long. I know, I procrastinate like hell with this thing.

So a couple of posts ago I mentioned how I was thinking of quitting smoking. Well, I am. This Friday actually. And I’m pretty nervous about the whole ordeal.

I’ve been smoking for almost 13 years. I have tried to quit 3 times before, and none of those times went very well. They lasted a day at most and a few hours at worst. And the entire time stabbing people sounded like a pretty good idea. The difference with this time and those in the past; this time I’ve told pretty much everyone I know, so I can be held accountable, and I have a lot of support.

Now on to the reason I’m so nervous; the last times the feelings were horrific. Imagine, if you will, thinking you need something so much that you feel you will die without it. Like air. Try quitting breathing. That’s pretty much what it feels like to quit smoking. And worse yet, it’s not just a physical addiction. It is most definitely a psychological addiction as well. So while your body is trying to filter out all the nicotine and god knows what else is in cigarettes, your mind is screaming and clawing at you, begging you to just start smoking again. It is both physically and mentally traumatizing.

Yeah, so this is going to be fun. I hope at the end of this I still have friends. And to those of you that smoke in my house, I’m sorry but for a little while I’m going to have to ask you to smoke outside.

I just have to remind myself why I’m doing it. Oh of course there’s my health. But screw that. That’s not a tangible outcome. For right now it’s about the money. That’s at least something I can see and touch. Maybe I’ll buy myself some ice cream or something.

Cuz you know, that will help with my health.

Wish me luck.

Peace.

Sugar and Spice and everything nice… Not just for girls

Well, it would seem that I have been a bit of a slacker lately. I blame pandas.

I’ve had an interesting life. The list of things I’ve done far outweighs the list of things I haven’t. It makes for interesting stories. And occasionally interesting blog posts. Yes, I said occasionally ok? And yet so very often I find myself at a loss for what I should write here. There’s a fine line between a good story and TMI. So today, without exposing anyone to anything too personal, I would like to talk about what I believe in.

And no I’m not talking about religion or any such thing.

I’m talking about the core values and ideals I hold based on my personal experiences. So I would like to put forth a list of the 16 most important beliefs in my life that have helped make me who I am.

• Always respect everyone. Many people think that some are not worthy of respect. That is the furthest thing from the truth possible. How you treat others is a reflection of you. You (as a human being) are not in a place to judge who is worthy or not of respect.
• Laugh often. Laugh even when it hurts. Nothing is better for the soul than a good laugh. But never forget to temper laughter with respect.
• Remember proper etiquette. This is more than just knowing which fork to use. Etiquette is about respect, tact and good taste. And if you are not familiar with the concept, find someone who is and learn from them.
• Be graceful. Everything you do should be done with care. That means no clomping around like a bull in a china shop. It also extends further into the realm of personality. Accept all things in your life with grace. Good and bad times, winning, losing, pain, hatred and rejection.
• Be a good listener. This doesn’t mean being silent waiting for your opportunity to speak. Actually take the time to actively listen to what someone is telling you. Let them know that you are paying attention by making relevant comments about their subject. Don’t cut them off, and if you do by accident, be graceful and respectful about it and urge them to continue.
• Be understanding. You may not agree with everything that comes your way. But, it takes but a few moments to see things from another point of view and try to understand it. You will find by doing this that fewer things upset you.
• Pay attention to details. When you go out for coffee with a friend, remember how much cream and sugar they take, what their favourite food is, their favourite colour. These are the things that remind people that you care. The small things that most people neglect.
• Never be afraid to learn. When you don’t know something; ask, or go research it yourself. There is nothing to be ashamed of by increasing your base of knowledge. But standing by and being content in your ignorance because of pride will only hurt you in the end.
• Remain open minded. This does not require you to agree with everything in the world. Just that you are willing to accept that it may not be your belief, but it is someone's. This goes back to respect.
• Take care of yourself. Think about what people will think when they see you. Always try to look your best, it is as well a reflection of your personality. Looking your best, as a side note, does not mean conforming to popular style. Find your own unique style, or borrow someone else's whatever suits your fancy, so long as it suits you.
• Love. Love fiercely. If you love someone, say so. Never think for a second that they will just know. Assumption is quickly followed by regret. And never, ever say you love someone if you don’t with all your heart. By doing so you sully the word and make it meaningless to those that you do love truly.
• Forgive. Don’t let your life be ruled by grudges and bitterness. To not forgive means you are unable to let go of hurts that will eventually poison your spirit. Sometimes it takes time, but always remember “Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant with the weak and wrong… because sometime in your life you will have been all of these.”
• Be honourable. Don’t cheat, steal or lie. Don’t turn your back on those that need you. Don’t sacrifice your beliefs or ideals to make life simpler or easier. Hold true to who and what you are at all times.
• Be honest. Most especially to yourself. It is far too easy for us to lie to ourselves. This is probably the hardest point to overcome and practice. However a true sense of self is a necessary part in your happiness.
• Be compassionate and kind. This requires little explanation. Don’t let cruelty find it’s way into your personality.
• And the golden rule; treat others the way you wish to be treated. This requires following all the above points and truly practicing them.

This is how I try to live my life. I am not perfect, though I honestly do try to be. And though I may at times fail to live up to my standards for myself, I acknowledge it, accept it, learn from it, forgive myself and move on. I truly believe that if we all (we being humankind) practiced these things all the time, we would be living in paradise on earth.

Or at least as close to it as we can be.

Peace.

Be the Rainbow

Starting tomorrow I will be continuing my decorating rampage of my apartment.

I have finally chosen colours for the remaining rooms and soon I will be living in a rainbow. Well a rainbow minus a couple colours. Which I guess means it isn't a rainbow at all. Whatever.

I've never liked white walls. They have always seemed barren and boring, leaving the room with which they are in feeling very empty and unfinished. I am a great lover of colour. And beauty.

I try to ensure that everything in my life is beautiful. I take great care in choosing my outfits, making sure that the cut and colour of my clothing is flattering, that my jewelry accents appropriately without drawing too much attention. I spend more time on my hair, makeup and skin in one day than most people I know do in one month. Even my D&D dice are colour coordinated. So that when I pour them all out, they present a pleasing colour compliment to eachother.

Ok, so now I sound a bit off my rocker. But seriously, if more people did this, wouldn't we live in a much more beautiful world? The time and effort one puts into themselves and their surrounding tells a lot about them. If you can't be bothered to ensure that you look your best, what else do you skimp on in your life? And believe me, this is not about vanity. In most cultures the way that you look plays a big part in your life. In almost all cultures in fact except for Western. It is terribly sad to see people walking down the street, eating at a restaurant, even working at their place of employment; looking like they literally just rolled out of bed. Why is it that we as westerners accept this? What on earth is so important in our daily lives that we can't spend 15 extra minutes to look our best?

Oh sure, there is all sorts of excuses with that question. 'I don't have time', 'I don't know how', 'I'm no good with matching colours'. Or the one I hate most of all; 'I think personality is more important'. Most people fail to recognize the intrinsic link between our outward appearance and our psyche. Bottom line is this. If you don't have time, make time. Get up a few minutes earlier. If you don't know how, find out. We live in the information age, where anything you want to know is readily available if you have the mind to look for it. If you're no good at colour schemes etc. find someone who is, usually the person who is employed at your clothing store is very good at it. And the last one... your personality is indeed more important than the way that you look, however if you walk around in ratty clothes with unkempt hair and skin then to the casual observer you will appear to have a less than admirable personality. Most people with whom you would wish to converse with won't even consider speaking with you unless they have to. And no, it's not shallow. You wouldn't eat a hamburger covered in dirt, even if logically you could just remove the dirt. You wouldn't even consider it, the hamburger is now spoiled, and it could be the most flavourful and juicy hamburger ever created, but now no one will ever know because it's outward appearance is less than pleasing. It's burned deep into our psyche as humans.

If you don't care how you look, it only stands to reason that you don't care about a good many things in your life. Which in my personal experience has proven to be absolutely true. Some may disagree, but the ones that do are usually the ones that don't care how they look.

And I'm sorry for the rant, but this is a sore spot with me.

So here's the thing. I challenge everyone to look their best. It's not hard, it does take some effort and a little time, but ultimately it is worth it. By doing it you will find your interactions with others more enjoyable, you may have people talk to you that normally never would. And most importantly, you will feel better. There is sense of accomplishment and happiness that goes hand in hand with looking your best. Your step is lighter, you smile wider and everything seems that much better. When you look like a million bucks you feel like it too.

Don't believe me?

Try it.

Peace.

Possible side effects include Drilling

So I've spent the last 5 out of 7 days at the dentist.

No, not the whole day... geez.

Here's the thing, I hadn't been to the dentist in about 10 or 12 years. I know, I know that's really bad, and I should have gone more often etc. etc. And I'm not going to start making excuses for why I didn't go, but the thing of it is, at least I finally did.

And what an interesting, though somewhat terrifying, experience it has been.

The checkup was fine, the dentist poked around in my mouth for a while, they did some x-ray's pretty standard stuff. Nothing to worry about. Until they told me I had cavities. Fortunately they were very small and had not progressed to the point of being painful. Yay no root canals!!!

I went for the cleaning, and wouldn't you know it, it was incredibly enjoyable. I got to sit in a massaging dentist chair. For a whole hour. It was awesome. By the third day I was feeling much better about the whole experience. So I went for my first session of drilling with minimal terror. They used some topical anesthetic and then injected me with the local anesthetic. Which hurt. Quite a bit. Now I've never been frozen before so I had no idea what it was supposed to feel like. Apparently it's supposed to feel frozen. Who knew?

So, needless to say it hurt. However I didn't say anything as it wasn't unbearable. Just incredibly annoying.

Today I went in for my second set of fillings. The dentist went through the same procedure. Gave me one needle and 10 minutes later came back to check on me. She started poking around, which I still felt, and then decided I needed another needle. No problem, maybe this time it will work. 10 minutes later she started drilling. And let me tell you, the freezing had definitely not taken. I let her go at it for about 5 minutes and then I simply couldn't take it anymore and started crying. Ya, laugh all you want. It was then she decided I needed yet another dose. And it sort of worked, it was still tender, but most of the sensation was gone. And seeing as I am writing this 7 hours later it would seem that I survived more or less intact.

Now the moral to this story is as follows; pay attention to your family history. Had I bothered to make some inquiries I would have discovered that most of the members of my family are highly resistant to anesthetics. And had I known that I could have told the dentist that we could have avoided a painful, though humorous, situation.

Will I go back to the dentist? Of course I will, I rather like my teeth and would like them better if they were in good repair and all still in my mouth in their appropriate spots. Also, word to the wise, take care of your teeth. You only get the one set, and fixing them is way worse than brushing and flossing everyday. Plus toothpaste comes in all sorts of wonderful flavors.

But don't eat it.

That's bad for you.

Peace.