Take that door…

So… it has been suggested that I post more about the ‘me quitting smoking’ thing. So here goes.

First off; To those of you out there that still enjoy as many cigarettes as you want, whenever you want… F*CK YOU! May you perish slowly in the delicious cloud of toxic nicotine that you have created. >:(

Ok, so now that’s out of the way.

It all started two days before Halloween. I had ran out of cigarettes and figured the most logical option was to just not smoke them anymore. That worked for about 5 hours. In that time I grew more and more sullen and was rather enjoying the entertaining murder methods that were popping into my head. About the time when me holding a pair of scissors became just a little too frightening my friend quickly drove me out to get more cigarettes. That was attempt one. From there I decided that I would like to quit. Not because of any profound understanding about the health benefits, but because I really could use the extra money. I at the time was spending $100 or more a month on cigarettes and liked the thought of spending that money on more important things; like food, or cosmetics… or alcohol.

Over the next few months I entertained the idea of quitting, and then finally decided that I would actually do it. Now for those of you who may be attempting to quit, or are thinking about it in the future you may wish to pay close attention to this next part. Always have a clear plan. That means do your research, know what you’re getting into and also, make sure you set yourself reasonable goals. I would like to point out that I didn’t do any of these things. My plan consisted of the following; go from smoking a pack a day to not smoking anything at all for three days. Then after the three days, in order to not go completely insane, occasionally smoke nicotine free cigars. Not a horrible plan in theory. But writing it down it does seem a bit lofty. And unreasonable. Which it was. Yay hindsight.

I stopped smoking at 10:30pm on Thursday night (March 26th 2009). That last cigarette I had that night reduced me to tears, quite literally. The thought of giving something up forever was almost unbearable at that moment. I ended up crying myself to sleep after many, many hours. The next morning was far worse. I woke up fairly early, which was not the plan, I had hoped to sleep for a while to take the edge off. It figures. I got up and did my morning routine, which includes making a pot of coffee, checking my email etc. It’s a sort of ritual for me. Make coffee, drink said coffee and light a cigarette. And then it hit me. No more cigarettes. I tried really hard to just not think about it, do other things. So I went about my day all the while getting angrier and angrier. It’s odd that an addiction can actually make you angry to the point where you pretty much hate everything and everyone. But there it was. I went to my brother’s house and gave him the few packs of cigarettes I had left (that was really hard, it was like saying goodbye forever to one of your best friends). Fortunately after that I actually had to go and do something productive, inside a non-smoking building. I spent up until 5ish doing volunteer work, which kept my mind off of everything. But that whole time I was angry, and nothing was funny or amusing or even entertaining. Everything pissed me off.

By the time Shogun and I got home that evening I was fit to be tied. I didn’t want to eat, or drink coffee or sit or stand or lie down. I didn’t want to do anything. I felt consumed by an overwhelming need to smoke a goddamned cigarette. It was actually beginning to physically hurt, and the itchies… oh god. I spent the next few hours shaking and crying wanting nothing more than to stab people, or myself in an effort to make the horrible feelings go away. There was nothing but that desire to smoke. The world was void of all else, forming coherent thoughts was ridiculously difficult, and in effect it made conversation nearly impossible. I finally got up from the couch and stood in front of the bathroom door, I’m not too sure what I was doing, or what I meant to do, but I just stood there and cried. Shogun came over and hugged me, god bless him for being so supportive and comforting, however as he did so I was suddenly filled with a seething primal rage and all I saw was red. My fist came up and at the last second I decided not to hit him. The bathroom door was not so lucky. Shogun decided that perhaps it would be better if I had a nap and moved me far away from the door I had just assaulted. He sat me down on the bed and told me to just go to sleep for a while and I would feel a bit better. Then it came again; that horrible all consuming desire to destroy something… anything. And the headboard took a nasty beating. Thank god I at least had the presence of mind not to beat on the one person that was trying to help me through it at the time.

“Ok, so how about we move you back to the couch then…”

And then there was more couch. A little more than 24 hours after I had begun this masochistic endeavor we went to the store and bought the nicotine-free cigars I had planned on purchasing 2 days down the road. Sadly in my very aggravated and near caveman-like state of mind I asked for the wrong ones. The ones I bought that night did in fact have nicotine in them. Not a lot, but enough to negate my then current plan. I did not know that until the following evening however.

Even with the cigars I still had the most horrible time of it. I only smoked a few puffs of a cigar every so often, I ended up having 8 in a day or so. There was less hitting of things. I did unfortunately bust up my hand a bit and now have a scar because of it. :’(

I do not consider this a failure mind you. I accomplished something that was quite monumental. I did quit smoking for 24 hours. Successfully. I am quite proud of that. Since then I have a new approach (thanks to the insight and research of Shogun), I have cut down considerably, and will continue to do so until such time as I decide to completely stop again. Hopefully the next time will go better, and there will be less violence.

Violence hurts me.

Peace.